the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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