Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
