Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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