I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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