If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
