That's intense
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
