i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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