Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
