I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
