Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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