youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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