Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
