You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
