i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
