She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
