Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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