no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
