Michael Bay diarrhea
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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