im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
