His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
