I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i think i have two assholes
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
