Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
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