I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
