You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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