We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
