my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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