Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
This toilet bowl is my home.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
