Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He better not be in your backpack
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
