Kiss
Puke
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
