what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
