"it" just moved
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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