Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
