Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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