is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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