If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
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