It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
