He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
