I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
