How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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