don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
