went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
