If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
