She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
