i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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