Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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