Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
