My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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