did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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