Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
