my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
